What to Do When You Freeze in a Coaching Session: A Simple Strategy to Support You - International Coaching Federation
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What to Do When You Freeze in a Coaching Session: A Simple Strategy to Support You

Posted by Emma-Louise Elsey (Canada) | October 2, 2015 | Comments (15)

When we think of stress we tend to think of the fight or flight response, but freeze is just as common. In my early days of coaching I used to freeze quite a bit—I’d get stuck in a coaching session and couldn’t think what to ask next. I was so concerned about delivering value and being a great coach that I often created the very situation I feared most. And then I would make the situation worse by beating myself up for my perceived failure to stay on top of the session.

If it makes you feel any better, I can guarantee that that moment of panic when you have no idea what to ask or which direction to head in has happened to every single coach out there. In fact, it’s probably happening to someone right now.

So, I developed a strategy to get me through those moments when I froze. If the whole point of coaching is that the client knows what’s right for them, why was I trying so hard? If they have the answers, doesn’t it make sense they might know some of the questions too?

The strategy? Get the client to tell you what to ask next!

Here are 5 Coaching Questions that will get the conversation flowing:

1. What is the best question I could ask you now?

This suggests there are many questions but asks your client to suggest the best one.

2. What do you think I should ask you now?
A constructive use of the word “should”, cutting through what they might want you to ask, to the question you should ask to move them forward.

3. I’m not sure where to go next with this. Where would you go?
Sometimes the easiest solution is to be totally honest! By asking this you’re modelling a healthy willingness to be imperfect. Let them be the expert.

4. If you were your own coach, what question would you ask now?
By asking your client to put their coaching hat on, you may get a surprisingly insightful question!

5. If you secretly knew the way forward from here, what would it be?
This question suggests there is a way forward and that they may already know it! Use only with good rapport so your client feels supported.

Top Tip: These questions work really well in workshops and group coaching too.

Feeling really brave? Here’s another idea:

The simplest and also the most challenging strategy is ironically… more silence.

Simply wait for your client to speak again. Take a deep breath, feel your feet on the floor and trust that your client knows what to say next.

When you’re already panicking it takes a lot of guts to give the client more silence. It means sitting with and allowing the discomfort of not knowing. But, if you lean in to the silence and your discomfort, real coaching magic can happen.

And it may not happen too! If after this extended pause your client pipes up and says, “Are you still there?”, which has happened to me on more than one occasion, you can simply say, “I was waiting to see where you would take this next.” Then, like me you’ll quickly learn that your client didn’t think you were a terrible coach. You’ll learn that the world does not end simply because you don’t have the all the answers—or indeed the right questions.

And once you’ve had a few of these experiences you’ll realize you can handle anything. What a beautiful place to be!

Next Steps

I recommend that you take the five questions above and write or print them out on a piece of card, add the word SILENCE to the top, and stick it somewhere you can easily see when you’re coaching a client.

And if I’ve done my job well, you’re now feeling inspired and keen for that next moment when you freeze so that you can try these strategies out!

Have any tips of your own for this situation? Share with your fellow coaches by commenting below.

Emma Louise Elsey

Emma-Louise Elsey (Canada)

Emma-Louise Elsey has been coaching for more than 10 years and is founder of The Coaching Tools Company and Life Coach on the Go. Originally a project and relationship manager for Fortune 500 companies, she discovered coaching in 2003 and hasn't looked back.

The views and opinions expressed in guest posts featured on this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and views of the International Coach Federation (ICF). The publication of a guest post on the ICF Blog does not equate to an ICF endorsement or guarantee of the products or services provided by the author.

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Comments (15)

  1. Alain Safa says:

    Great way to move on by using the natural Power of silence !
    Thank you Emma- Louise for sharing som of your silent Diamonds !

  2. Philip Merry says:

    Sense the “field” surrounding you both and wait for the message that comes to you. Dont forget that all of us have a 12 foot energetic field surrounding us so both of you can sense what the other feels anyway. You are part of the “Unified Field” and what to say will come to you in time. Just be comfortable to “sense.”

  3. Ashraf Helal says:

    Thank you Emma for the useful article and great strategy .. Extremely helpful.
    What I usually do is stating it clearly; “I’m stuck!” Followed with silence or a question like number 4 in Emma’s article… In my experience it naturally leads to the results that questions of Emma lead to and it also helps the relationship positively

    • Dear Ashraf,
      Thank-you for your kind words. And I love your honesty! When said without judgement by the coach, it models for the client what it’s like to give yourself permission to be stuck (without judging yourself!).
      Warmly, Emma-Louise

  4. Diana Manneh says:

    Thank you Emma-Louise for the tips.
    When silence appears, i breathe and slow down, no panic because there is always something maybe an insight that emerges un the silence.
    Today, I welcome silence in my coaching sessions
    All the best from France 🙂

    • Dear Diana,

      Thank-you! I’m glad you found the tips helpful. And you are obviously already very comfortable with silence. I think when you truly BELIEVE that something useful that comes from the silence, it’s much easier to relax into it – and trust!

      Je tu souhaite le meilleur dans ton entreprise de coaching!

      Warmly, Emma-Louise

  5. Great post, Emma-Louise. Thanks!
    I feel these are all great ways to embody Core Competencies 3 & 4.
    It’s a beautiful thing when the simplest approach is the most powerful!

    • Dear Pablo! Great to see you over here – and thank-you for your comments. And yes, I wonder if often the simplest approach IS usually the most powerful… But simple doesn’t mean it’s easy – and therein lies the challenge!
      Warmly, Emma-Louise

  6. Lily Seto says:

    Greetings, Emma-Louise – from across the waters between Salt Spring and Victoria!

    I am appreciating the reminder of the power of silence and the energy field created by the coach and client. Susan Scott, in her book Fierce Conversations, says “Let silence do the heavy lifting”…it is indeed a great tool that we all have available to us if we choose to use it..

    Lily

  7. Sandra says:

    Thank you emma-Louise, this is really helpful and I’m going to print it out and have it available when I’m coaching!

    Blessings from Sandra Louise!

    • Dear Sandra,
      That is lovely! Those moments when we freeze can be quite unpleasant, but they can turn into profound learnings – whether it’s for us or our clients… Thank-you for taking the time to comment! Warmly, Emma-Louise

  8. Reese Evans says:

    Thank you very much for the tiny article. I read the blogs related to ICF organizations and their works. Your works are really praiseworthy. Great job.

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