The Anatomy of a Great Conversation
Most people have an irresistible tendency to get into a problem-solving mode within the first 60 seconds of a conversation. We move swiftly from point A to B. Goal completion (and often, in the shortest time too) is the ultimate objective. By doing so, we tend to miss out on a precious bunch of cues, clues, context, crazy ideas – that could lead to an unexpectedly richer set of solutions and outcomes.
Here’s my little three-point philosophy on how to take every conversation from good to great, informed by my own practice and precious materials from an earlier coaching certification program I attended. If I were to choose the most important insights I have gained on coaching, it would be down to these three points:
1. All Great Conversations Share a Common Anatomy or Shape
Put two funnels back-to-back, one on top of the other, and presto! We get the shape of an optimised conversation. I draw this simple visual on the top of my notepad whenever I coach, as a constant reminder to myself that a great conversation basically has two halves – (1) Opening wide to explore, and (2) Narrowing down to action. This sounds a lot simpler than it really is. To play both halves well, a coach must assume two very different mindsets and become two different persons with contrasting agendas and characters. Read on.
2. First-Half: Get Wondrously Lost
Let’s take a one-hour coaching conversation for example. The first 30 minutes is spent opening the conversation to explore (signalled by the opening funnel). My task in the first-half is to absolutely forget that I should drive the conversation towards an outcome at all. This is the key, because it frees a coach of obligatory pressures to move things to a tangible finish, and as a result, he actually listens far more generously and enjoys his coaching. My aim is to get wondrously lost in my client’s rhetoric, and to always follow him where he wants to take me, staying ever open and curious. Every time he says something that sounds important or interesting, I merely probe with a simple “Tell me more.” Before long, I have A LOT to work with. All the root causes, potential solutions, obstacles, and more potently – personal, psychological barriers, and motivational factors (what drives/drains him) – start surfacing.
3. Second-Half: Go for the Kill
Half-time. We now enter the next 30 minutes, and at about this point, a good coach almost transforms into a different person, and now drives the conversation, with singular focus and intent, towards a concrete, actionable finish (signalled by the closing funnel). Someone once said, “Coaching that doesn’t end with firm outcomes is just a nice conversation.” Having said this, don’t jump straight to actions. Brainstorm options. My favourite question here is – “Give me five options.” Why five? The first three responses that most people give tend to be conventional ones. They almost always pause before getting number four out, and a longer pause usually precedes number five. Options number four and five are often out-of-the-box ideas, or actions they have been resisting to take, and these are often the ones that make a game-changing difference to the outcome when applied.
Here’s a quick example of how this simple brainstorming approach led to a breakthrough for a recent client. I was coaching T who was very much a task-oriented manager. Her options one to three were predictably process-related ideas, and after a pregnant pause, options four and five came out and these were much more personal, people-related suggestions, including bringing the few colleagues who were involved in a conflict situation out for an informal lunch. My client admitted that doing these kinds of things don’t come naturally to her, but she ended up doing it and discovered something that day – That “the right thing to do” doesn’t always need to feel natural before we do it.
My closing thought – Most things at work and in life get done through conversations. By learning to coach, you can help yourself, and the many others around you, optimise your conversations and get so much more out of them.
Nicely written, appreciate.
It used to happen a lot with me few years back and I discovered the 2 basic reasons for the same.
1) I used to go in the conversation with an intent to “Help” the coachee and hence
2) Some where I used to have the guilt that I am charging the coachee a lot and he/she must get enough value outcome from each conversation.
Then I realized its not about me, let the coachee decide and lead and that helps…..
What do you think about it.
Regards
Very good reminder and a freeing thought for coaching. It must be a bit more challenging there in Singapore where people are driven for the fast result by the culture and worldview! I applaud your approach and am blessed by this tip! Thanks for sharing!
A very good reminder ! Coaching is a tool to facilitate the client to find and lead the way, not the coach. I like your example sharing, is an effective way to allow discover and aware more than they expected.
Thanks everything you shared.
Thanks Jayant!
Really appreciate you sharing your personal journey as a coach.
Fully agree on freeing ourselves from carrying the weight of the client’s challenge.
Let’s coach with a greater freedom today! 🙂
Thanks Kelly!
Yes, the pace is fast indeed here in Singapore! Coaching opens up the space for much needed reflection and thoughtfulness.
So glad you enjoyed the read. 🙂
Indeed Patty!
The key benefits of coaching to a client are discovery and awareness.
Glad you liked the article. 🙂
I am intriqued by the idea of the coach having a split personality or at least behavior during a coaching session. A key element would be making a seamless transition between the open and closed funnels so that one does not impede the coachee in coming to their own actions when it makes sense to them.
Thanks for sharing precise and detailed process to implement directly from kitchen.
Thank you for sharing the simplicity yet powerful of questions in the coaching conversation. I agree that people think by using their logic and past experiences. The 4th and 5th answers may come from their right brain.
Thanks for that wise insight, Matt!
Indeed, conversations are dynamic in nature and the funnel model is not intended to over-simplify the task of coaching. Rather, it reminds one to listen deeply and with intent. Appreciate your thoughtful sharing!
Thanks Karunsharma!
I try to offer some actionable insights in every blog post. Glad you found that helpful! 🙂
What a powerful thought you shared on how coaching can actually activate and encourage right brain thinking. Thanks Viviana!
What a wonderful article and a great reminder! Thank you so much for sharing it!
Lisa Alioto
Most welcomed, Lisa! Glad you liked the ideas within. 🙂
This is an excellent visualization, openness of mind to listen, and probing the need of the coachee, will inspire a discovery that is deep and impactful. Else we will be scratching surface and making plans that are as fragile as new year resolutions…
Absolutely, Riti. Discovery is a key function of coaching, and you have hit the nail on the head with your insightful comment. Probing well also avoids the scenario of solving the smaller, or even wrong, problem! 🙂
I can actually feel the switch you talk about in the coach at the halfway mark. I like the discipline of taking half a session to listen and explore before thinking about what to create options together for.
Hi, the original great conversation graphic, sort of like an hourglass is not appearing, despite attempts with multiple browsers. Does anyone have that?? Please share.