Silent Coaching
What is one of the most important and challenging skills in coaching and the least explored? Silence.
Silence is often experienced as uncomfortable or awkward. We are not very familiar with it and in everyday conversation we usually try to fill the gaps. There is a Zen story about how difficult is to handle silence:
“Three monks were once told by their master that the key to enlightenment lay in silence. The monks then vowed to be silent. After a short period of time, the first monk said, “Being silent is difficult,” to which the second monk replied, “You fool, you just spoke!” after which the third monk sighed and said, “I am the only one who has not spoken.”
Silence is a form of communication. It has many faces, can mean different things to different people, can communicate different things and its meaning depends on the context. Even though there are times that the use of silence can block communication, there is also the constructive use of silence, which enhances and strengthens it.
Here are some positive silences that come up in coaching sessions and help the process:
The caring silence: This kind of silence provides a safe place where the client can grow and open up. The focus is on client and his/her goal. The coach tunnels his/her attention to the client in order to build trust and engagement. This silence conveys empathy, respect, reflective listening and support.
The busy silence: The client processes information, tries to assimilate a new idea, or reflects upon the process. He/she thinks and makes connections. For example, a probing question will evoke silence and the response will be slow.
The mindful silence: The client becomes an observer of what he/she feels, what she/he senses in the body, of the thoughts crossing the mind, putting aside the lenses of judgment. Just observing in order to become more aware and in touch with his/her whole self.
The magic silence: This is the silence before the “aha” moment. Here the client is experiencing joy and a kind of enlightenment, and a shift takes place. From this moment on the narrative changes and new possibilities open before client’s eyes.
The internal silence: The silence of the coach when he/she tries to quite the inner voice that gets impatient, wants to jump to solutions, to give advice, to direct or judge the client.
The centered silence: The silence before a coaching session. As coaches we can take a few minutes focusing on our breath in order to reach a level of inner calm, to gather our strength, to be centered and balanced (in body and mind). That way we are preparing in order to be present in coaching, we recharge our energy, we connect with everything around us and let go of any preoccupations.
Tips on silence:
- Don’t be afraid or intimidated by long periods of silence.
- Silence is a dynamic process. Don’t try to fill the gaps.
- Periods of silence may symbolize the importance of an issue.
- Try to maintain gentle eye contact and “be” with the client.
- Notice all little silences of the client along with his/her body language.
- Mindfully manage the use of silence in the coaching session.
It is vital for a coach to understand what is being communicated by silence every moment of the process. This is why we as coaches we have to answer three questions:
- How comfortable am I as a coach with silence?
- What is my relationship with silence?
- What does the silence mean to me?
For the client silence gives time to consider the real meaning to what has been discussed and can be an awaking call. Silence is active. It is not the absence of words but an active presence.
Olga Paptriantafillou
Olga Papatriantafillou, M.A, is a certified coach working with directors and senior managers who wish to improve their communication skills and emotional intelligence, in order to increase their influence with teams and peers. She specializes in stress management & wellness coaching supporting executives and teams in developing skills for resilience in tough times. She believes that coaching should integrate performance & well-being in order for people to become more positibe, energetic, reilient, productive and resourceful. Visit her website and find her on LinkedIn.
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Thank you for referring to silence as a useful coaching tool. Great job!!!!!
Thank you Tom for your kind words
Dear Olga,
Wonderful topic: the silence and how it is important in human communication. Thanks and congrats.
MS
Mario thank you for your comment!
I believe that silence is “forgotten” most of the times when we communicate. It deserves some attention!
I have always appreciated and used silence as part of my coaching but hadn’t really considered the different types of silence. Very interesting.
Janice hi!
Thank you for your comment.
Olga
Thank you for reminding me of the power of silence. My experience is that the more you are aware of the power of silence the easier it becomes to use it intuitively as part of your coaching practice.
Mark hi!
You are right. Awareness is the key and when we use silence in coaching most of the times we can “listen” to what’s going on in the interaction.
Thank you for this important message and reminder – that silence indeed, is a powerful coaching tool. This is something shared and practiced as a principle:Nancy Kline “Time to Think”. Silence helps to build a learning environment for the thinker, the client, the coachee – breaking that silence can break that spell for them.
Carol hi!
I agree with you that silence is a powerful tool . “Time to think” is also a book worth reading! Thank you for your comment
It is interesting how things that you take for granted can become formalized education. I was taught that silence is important in counseling but I did not realize how deep it really is. Thanks for the insight and taking the technique of silence to another level.
Clifton hi!
In counseling (and therapy) silence is very important indeed. if you are interested in this subject, there is a lot of research in the field of therapy.
Thank you for your comment.
Thank you Olga, for this inspiring moment! We all need this kind of sparkles once and a while.
Thank you Hein for you comment.
Thank you, Olga,
I especially appreciated the reminder about silence before a coaching session – centring and focusing on my breathing. I know that this really helps me and when it doesn’t happen, I don’t necessarily feel as good about my coaching session.
Sherri
Thank you Sherri for your comment. I also find it important to breath between my coaching sessions. It makes a difference
Dear Olga,
Thank you. Your article reminded me of some silence types I follow, either as a coach or in all my encounters, that different approach is needed with different types of people and continuous practice is essential.
I agree with you Helen. Practice is a key word.
Thank you for your comment.
Thank you Olga for the interesting and insightful input!
We, the Coaches, consider ourselves as the guys who lead the dialogical process with clients. This, creates a mindset of constant questioning (if not talking and solution providing). Most of us cannot bear the moments of silence. Mainly because we are afraid of loosing our sense of authority of process leadership, or because we are not ready for the “moment of co-creation” with our clients. The moment of “no control on the outcome”.
Silence can be resourceful if it can be contextualized and thus meaningful.
Silence can create space for ..
..reflection and creative thinking,
..empathic sharing and connectedness,
..challenging ideas and emotions to surface
…body language and gestures to contribute to the process
and most of all …
space to …live the Moment
we really (the coaches) have to be “serious” about silence.
thank you Olga
Thank you Kostis for your comment. I would agree with you that there are coaches who cannot bear the moments of silence. I also agree that silence is the space to live the moment.
As a hypnotherapist I use silence in all aspects of my work – it is helpful in that it gives the client time to process what they’ve heard; to assimilate what they’ve heard / said / thought and so to accept / reject their own thinking or feelings. Very powerful and a timely reminder that a lot of what we say is just noise. Thanks
Thank you Paul for your comment. I agree about the noise!! and I like the way you said it.
Specially in a therapeutic environment silence is useful for creating what Winnicott called a “holding environment,” a place where the client can feel safe, can think and grow
Grateful, Olga, for your thought provoking insights on the power of silence.
As coaches we constantly aspire to improve our ability of powerful questioning. The flip side is when inadvertently the coach creates situations forcing the coachee into ‘awkward silence!’ Inept or insensitive questions/comments from a coach owing to an urge to ‘get on with the process’ puts the coachee in a spot wherein he/she is unable to respond. Result? Awkward silence!
On the other hand extreme sensitivity by the coach while framing questions creates an immense amount of what you have called ‘caring silence’.
Thanks.
Thank you K R for your thoughts. I totally agree with you about the “awkward silence” and yes we as coaches have to be careful
However in this short article I wanted to focus on the constructive use of silence and not on the silence that blocks communication. From this point of view I believe that silence is a very powerful tool for coaches and clients.
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