Coaching Presence and Being at Your Best

As coaches, we pride ourselves on demonstrating a presence that is different from other conversations and is foundational to the coaching relationship. And as humans, we are all vulnerable to distraction. We say something, the client doesn’t respond in a way that we might have imagined, and we’re thrown off course. We know some of you are thinking, “But we shouldn’t have had that expectation because, as coaches, we don’t have judgment.” And the fact is, judgment can happen to the best of us.

When it happens, we’ve probably lost the ability to be fully present with the client. Our brain is emotionally hijacked and fight or flight reflexes take over, resulting in less than optimal functioning. These are the moments where conscious choice is pushed aside by an automatic habitual response. You’ve likely seen this type of reaction in clients. Have you ever noticed this in yourself?

Whether you’re a new coach beginning your journey or a seasoned coach with thousands of hours of experience, each coaching conversation is a new opportunity for your own learning. We ask our clients to reflect with curiosity rather than judgment—to notice what they are learning, to experiment and grow themselves. We also have a responsibility to be on this journey, too, growing and strengthening ourselves as coaching professionals.

Consider this situation: You’ve just completed a coaching call with Tom. You’re first thought is, “Well, that went OK.” Then a little later in the day, you have a different thought, “That session with Tom was the worst coaching I’ve ever done… What’s wrong with me?” We are not making this up! We’ve each had experiences where judgment rules. Interestingly enough, after that initial self-flagellation, the client would invariably email something like, “That was the best session we’ve ever had!” Needless to say, these were great opportunities for reflection and learning.

One of the foundational principles in coaching comes from Carl Rogers’ work on unconditional positive regard—being able to hold out the best and believe in the best for all involved—including ourselves. This tenet is reflected in Back Pocket Coach Strategy #26: Assume positive intent.

Used with clients, this strategy acknowledges that working with others can be challenging. Our emotions may cause us to question their intent or motivation, especially when they seem to be in opposition to ours. Next time, try this: Before assuming you “know” what the other person’s intention is, ask! Then methodically reflect back what you heard them say. This simple act of clarifying will calm your nervous system and allow you to set the tone for a positive dialogue.

Turning Assume positive intent inward frees us from judgment and encourages self-compassion. This allows us to be open to possibility as well as to be fully present with our client. Experiment with this strategy and see what you learn.

One other strategy you might consider for yourself is Back Pocket Coach Strategy #28: Notice and acknowledge successes. This strategy reminds us that it’s easy to rush through the days or weeks without noticing successes along the way. Make it a habit to reflect after a meeting or a challenging conversation. Do this privately and with your team. Take a few moments to notice what went well and appreciate your accomplishments. This practice is an opportunity to build on what you’ve learned. It also works wonders for morale!

Notice and acknowledge successes is also a strategy that supports your development and learning as a coach. Just like our clients, we tend to notice what is not working. Here we’re asking you to notice what is working—what you did well in the moment. We do this for our clients, and we know it supports building increased awareness. We encourage you to more consciously do this for yourself as part of your reflective practice.

Being a coach is a gift, and it is important to give this gift to ourselves so that we can be at our best. In being at our best, we can be more fully present with our clients.