Supporting One Another: We Have to Get it Right

It’s not uncommon to comfort your loved ones when they are down or stressed. We aim to tell them words that will make them feel better, but right now, at this time, things are different. We have no choice but to get it right. We must know how to uplift and support one another in the best way possible. So, how do you comfort others? What words and phrases do you often use?

Maybe you’ve normalized comforting your loved ones by using phrases like, “Don’t take it so hard” or “Just don’t think about,” assuming that these words will ease their fears and lessen their worries. But, new research suggests that these words may be counterproductive when offering support to your loved ones. Actually, it may be “increasing stress or reducing a person’s confidence that they can manage their stressful situation,” according to Xi Tian, a graduate assistant in communication arts and sciences at Penn State University.

So, what words should you use when comforting others? Tian says instead of using poorly phrased words or telling them how to feel and how to react, allow them to come to their own conclusions. “You could encourage them to talk about their thoughts or feelings so that person can come to their own conclusions about how to change their feelings or behaviors,” “Avoid using language that conveys control or uses arguments without sound justification.”

To test this theory, 478 married individuals, who had a recent argument with their partner were recruited by researchers to participate in an online questionnaire. After being asked to think of someone with whom they had discussed their marriage, they were given six possible supportive messages that this person could provide them in response to their marital issues. Later, they were instructed to rate the messages based on different characteristics.

“We manipulated the messages based on how well the support message validates, recognizes or acknowledges the support recipients’ emotions, feelings and experiences. Essentially, the messages were manipulated to exhibit low, moderate or high levels of person-centeredness, and we created two messages for each level of person-centeredness.”

The researchers described highly person-centered messages as beneficial for the person. These messages supported statements such as, “Disagreeing with someone you care about is always hard. It makes sense that you would be upset about this.” Ultimately, these messages allow the person to explore their own emotions and release any sense of control over that person. “These messages produced more emotional improvement and circumvented reactance to social support.”

On the contrary, the researchers found that low person-centered messages did not help people reduce personal stress in regard to their marital disagreement and were perceived as dominating and critical of the person’s feelings. For example, phrases such as, “Nobody is worth getting so worked up about. Stop being so depressed.” Tian says, “Those messages induced more resistance to social support, such that the participants reported feeling angry after receiving the message. They also reported actually criticizing the message while reading it.”

The practice of coaching indicates a dedication to supporting your clients and community. Creating a supportive environment is at the forefront of the coaching profession. To better support your clients, you can acknowledge your client’s feelings or offer perspective by saying, “It’s understandable that you are stressed out since it’s something you really care about” or phrases like, “I’m sorry you are going through this. I’m worried about you and how you must be feeling right now.” These phrases may be helpful to clients in need of emotional support right now. And, as coaches dedicated to supporting your clients, there’s an even greater responsibility to get this right.