Connect with Yourself

Connecting with others is a foundational coaching skill without which a coaching conversation will not flow. Connection is something that all humans crave. It paves the way for safety and trust to blossom, and it unites us at the emotional, intuitive and spiritual levels.

First things first, though.

It is not possible to connect with someone else if you are not first connected with yourself. This involves learning how to pay attention to your physical body, thoughts, emotions, energy and intuition. When you can do this, you will be ready to gather and process information on multiple levels.

Once you notice what is going on inside of you, you can pay attention to what is going on for your client. This will guide the questions you ask and the pace at which you ask them, ultimately enabling you to take advantage of your intuition.

Two of the simplest ways to connect with yourself are by being mindful and meditating. Jon Kabat-Zinn, professor of medicine emeritus and founding director of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, tells his students that they have only moments to live, meaning that you should be present for every moment. With practice, these moments soon increase in duration, enabling you to live more mindfully.

Being mindful entails paying attention to the present moment and experiencing the sensations, emotions, thoughts and insights that arise, without getting sidetracked by these things. As easy as that sounds, many people find it difficult to live in the moment, instead focusing their thoughts on the past and the future.

The benefits of meditation and mindfulness can be difficult to appreciate until you experience them firsthand. In addition to helping you become calmer and more focused, meditation can help you get more in touch with your real self. In fact, this is one of its primary goals. Meditation helps you to go inside yourself and experience emotions and feelings that you may have neglected, ignored or been unable to confront in the past.

The benefits of mindfulness are many:

• When you slow down and stop doing so many things, you have the opportunity to notice the endless thoughts that pop into your head.
• When you are mindful during everyday activities, you notice the thought patterns that dominate your thinking.
• You notice your feelings in various situations and recognize the difference between being in calming, peaceful situations and being in situations that make you feel stressed, angry or sad.
• By observing yourself from a more objective perspective, you can gain insights into why you feel the way you do, eventually noticing triggers, beliefs, values and other filters that you use.

Meditating

When you first start meditating, you often catch yourself getting drawn to other thoughts or images before consciously pulling your attention back to your breath, mantra or meditative movement, only to have your mind wander yet again. It can seem as though you are never going to catch on to meditating. But if you persist you will find that, at some point, you are able to notice the thoughts and images more objectively, with the awareness that these are only diversions—they are not who you are. This allows you to acknowledge the thoughts without getting drawn into them.

Becoming more aware of the sea of thoughts constantly moving through your head may initially make you feel as though you are going backwards in your progression toward calmness and peacefulness; however, the simple acknowledgment of your thoughts is a very useful step in the process of awareness. By allowing yourself to observe and acknowledge your thoughts, you have the opportunity to change them.

Centering Yourself

Many new coaches find themselves flustered or drawing a blank when they first begin working with clients. Sometimes, this is because they have not taken the time to let go of what they were previously concentrating on and, consequently, are not present to the coaching experience. Sometimes they are nervous and have trouble calming down. In either case, when this happens, they find that their thoughts just do not seem to flow easily.

Your best allies are calmness and focus. When you achieve these, the questions flow naturally. Conversely, when you over-think your questions or anticipate where the conversation will go, it feels much harder and you end up doing more work than the coachee. If you find yourself in this state, slow down the process and re-center yourself.

One of the simplest ways to calm and focus yourself before a coaching session is to practice abdominal breathing; this is as simple as sitting down and spending a few minutes focusing inwards on your breath. Abdominal breathing helps you get more oxygen into your lungs, gives you something to focus your mind on, and slows your heart and breathing rates. This in turn helps you to be calmer and more focused during your coaching meeting. Although it takes a bit of practice in the beginning, it will soon feel natural and effortless.

When you focus inward on your breath, you will notice that your breaths become deeper and slower, thereby calming your nervous system. If you practice abdominal breathing for a few minutes before each coaching session, you will notice that you are calmer and better able to focus. During the meeting, you will be more in touch with yourself and your client as well as more effective and resourceful.

It is not possible to connect with your client if you are not first connected with yourself. Your best allies in creating a strong connection are calmness and focus. For best results, take a few moments to center yourself before, during or after your coach meeting.