Relationships Have the Power to Change Lives

People come to you as a coach seeking positive change. What they walk away with can be so much greater.

Pioneered by Dan Siegel, M.D., the field of interpersonal neurobiology studies the interconnected nature of relationships and the development of the mind and nervous system. These findings are significant for us as coaches. They offer scientific perspective on relationships as a foundation for creating positive, sustainable change.

Relational Influences Affect Brain Development

Our brain development is based on a combination of relational experience, genetics and environmental influences. Much of this takes place during childhood. Yet, these same influences continue to shape our mind and nervous system throughout life.

One of the most notable effects of relational influence is the neurophysiological process of internalization. This is how impactful people and significant experiences—past and present, positive and negative—come to “live” as mental representations inside our minds. In this regard, we all hold the potential to learn from those around us and become embodied by one another.

For example, notice what happens when you think about someone who has deeply touched your life. Perhaps this person was a former teacher, parent, partner or best friend. What thoughts and feelings arise? Can you hear their voice? See their facial expressions? What do you notice in terms of bodily sensations in this moment?

Neuroscience demonstrates how our mirror neurons and resonance circuits link us with one another in this way. In fact, it is this naturally occurring phenomenon that enables us to feel empathy with other people. When we experience the visual, verbal and nonverbal communications of another individual or witness a specific action, our brains respond with a notable change in physiological, affective and intentional responses. Our minds encode emotions and their intention, along with our sensory experience of the situation. An internal representation is created. Based on the specific pattern, its intensity, and the frequency of recurrence, these internal representations hold the potential to influence our understanding of the world, others and ourselves—for better or worse.

Inner Worlds Keep Us Stuck…Or Let Us Soar

Through the process of internalization, we willingly, and sometimes even unconsciously, adopt the attitudes, values, standards and opinions of others into our identity or sense of self. As these mental representations accumulate in our mind, they can take on a life of their own. They develop into an  “inner world” or “inner community,” a sea of voices interacting within our mind.

The disparaging whispers of an inner critic serve as a perfect example. Perhaps you’ve witnessed a client caught in a polarizing decision between the part of them that wants their dreams and the other half that says they can’t have them. Maybe you’ve even been there yourself.

For some, it’s a single voice forecasting worst-case outcomes. Others labor under the criticism of a full choir, complete with orchestra. Yet regardless of its volume and persistence, these voices (and the often uncomfortable, physical sensations accompanying them) are a product of your client’s inner community.

It’s also worth noting that traits and opinions can be absorbed through characters seen in movies, cartoons, books and other forms of media. Bonnie Badenoch, Ph.D., author and co-founder of Center for Brain-Wise Living, once spoke about a client of hers who learned to be a better mother by watching TV!

Become a Champion in Your Client’s “Community”

Interpersonal neurobiology teaches that any significant relationship has the potential to shape an individual’s mind and experiences for the better. This implies that the connection you share with your client is paramount to the results you’ll achieve together. Remember you are first and foremost in service to your client’s agenda, but the way in which you show up has tremendous bearing on how effectively, holistically and sustainably your positive impact takes hold.

Your compassionate, unbiased support bears the potential for you to become part of your client’s neural tapestry—an empowering voice within their inner community. Through kindness and presence in the moment, you introduce new relational patterns into their mind and nervous system. This gentle reset provides valuable experience on what it means to feel safe and connected in a world of chaos and complexity. In short, you hold the power to counterbalance and correct the influence of internalized naysayers adopted through relational influences.

Non-judgmental, supportive relationships are the cornerstone of establishing client trust. As a coach, you have the rare opportunity to add a positive, empowering and empathetic presence into your client’s inner world. Through the natural process of relational influence, your impact may hold the key toward greater confidence and self-understanding in ways immeasurable. I can’t imagine a greater privilege or responsibility than to be someone’s internal cheerleader.

Can you?