Relationship Self-Care: Coaching Exercise to Discover Which Relationships Are Working For You

We all know that WHO we spend our time with has a significant impact on our lives: Some relationships uplift and inspire us and others are downright draining.

The exercise I’m about to share, although simple, is very deep. It’s about bringing awareness to, and being intentional with, whom we spend our time. It’s a great exercise to do with all our clients – and in our own lives too.

So, how do you know if a relationship is working for you or not?

Well, try simply asking yourself, “After spending time with this person, how do I feel?” After spending time with this person do you feel good about yourself? Are you energised, inspired, uplifted, supported or encouraged? OR do you feel drained, let down, discouraged or somehow worth less?

Now you have awareness and can make a conscious choice of how and how much time you continue to spend with this person.

Ready to try this coaching exercise and discover which relationships are working for you?

1) Make a list:

I want you to think of the 20 people you spend most of your time with and make a list.

2) Score the list:

Now score your list one at a time by asking yourself: “How do I generally feel after spending time with this person?” Score each person on a scale from +5 to -5 (where a + leaves you feeling good and a – leaves you feeling somehow less).

3) REVIEW YOUR SCORES:

Questions to ask: What are the scores for the people you spend most of your time with? Are there any surprises? Are you generally spending more time with the ‘pluses’ or ‘minuses’? How much time are you spending with the high scoring +4s and +5s on your list? What about the draining -4s or -5s? And how much of your time do you spend with the neutrals – people who score -1, 0 and +1? What other patterns do you notice?

4) Decide on next steps:

a) First, consider your plus relationships

Questions to ask: How could you spend more time with them? If you don’t have any +4s and +5s on your list, who can you think of who could fill that slot? How else could you find and develop +4 and +5 relationships?

b) Then, consider your minus relationships

In theory, these are people you should try to spend less time with. But any healthy relationship has rough patches and it’s not necessarily the right thing to discard someone simply because times get tough.

Questions to ask: Is there a wound or grievance that needs to be brought into the open and discussed? If you feel worth less after spending time with them, where are you giving your power away? Perhaps you’re doing the judging and not them? Who have you outgrown – is it time to let go and move on? And finally, for people you still want or need to spend some time with how can you change HOW you spend time with them? For example, if you normally sit around chatting, you could go to the movies – and talk less! Or if you feel judged when you talk about certain subjects, you could set a boundary and make those topics off-limits.

c) Lastly, consider your most important relationships

Questions to ask: Do you need to shift things around to spend more time with those who are most important? Remembering that we can’t change others’ behaviour (only our own), if your close friends and family scored low – how could you behave, spend less time or spend time differently with them so that their score increases?

I do hope you try this exercise out on yourself! It’s one of my favourite coaching tools and gives us an empowering way to review our relationships – including partners, colleagues, friends and family – and make conscious, powerful choices that leave us feeling better about ourselves and our lives.