Non-Directive and Non-Judgmental Coaching with Ease
I have been asked recently “How do you develop a coaching style that is non-directive and non-judgmental?” I think this is a really interesting question firstly, because as a coach I will often choose to be quite directive in my coaching.
So first of all I will clarify what I mean by directive. When I say that I am directive in my coaching I am talking about times that I steer the process, or encourage my client to consider some aspect that they are avoiding or not seeing, or I’m challenging their thinking. I class this as directive and a necessary part of my coaching. So when I talk about being non-directive I am referring to the fact that I do not want to tell my clients what to do or point them towards particular solutions. The problem is that I have often been in similar situations to my clients, so solutions can regularly pop into my head.
Secondly, I can also be judgmental about all sorts of things: the client, what they say about other people, what I think about their solutions, their behaviour or their thinking. When brainstorming ideas I might think “oh no I wouldn’t do that” or “oh yes, fantastic idea” – very clear judgments taking place. Some are obvious, but often judgments are unconscious. In a supervision session I realised that I had judged a client and this had influenced my coaching, with no awareness in the moment of it happening.
Both scenarios still happen despite years of development, but they happen less often than they once did. So I suggest that first of all accept that directive and judgmental thinking will happen. The aim is to build your awareness of it happening and then to reduce the negative influence on your coaching and to use the awareness positively, consciously and deliberately.
Whilst there is more I could suggest I am going to focus briefly on just two aspects: presence and reflective practice.
Presence
Prepare yourself for a coaching session by moving into a calm, quiet and reflective state. This helps to settle your mind. Your presence is also affected by what you believe about your client and your role in the relationship.
A key belief that helps me is that every person has their own inner wisdom, which I call an invisible coach, and that this wisdom provides all the answers they will ever need. When coaching I trust that their inner wisdom will surface if between us we can create the right environment. I let go of the responsibility for coming up with solutions; this is the client’s responsibility. My role is to help the client to access their invisible coach so that they can find their own solutions.
I also have love for the person. For some, love might be too strong a word, so I would also describe it as having an open heart towards the person. I try to see the person behind any behaviour or thinking that I may not agree with, and this acts to take the sting out of any judgment I might make.
Reflective Practice
I strongly advocate reflection both during and after coaching sessions. Reflection helps us to notice our directive or judgmental thinking and gives us the chance to offer something different to the client. It takes time and practice to reflect whilst coaching; however, a first step towards being able to do so is to reflect after the session either on your own or with a coaching supervisor. Reflection after the fact will help you to identify what happened and highlight what to look out for in future sessions. Eventually you can access your own invisible coach while coaching, giving you the opportunity to offer alternative interventions in the moment.
Here are some questions that you could use, either during (not all at the same time!) or after coaching sessions:
- Am I looking for a particular answer to this question?
- Am I steering the process or towards a particular solution?
- If I offer this intervention who or what purpose is it serving?
- What am I assuming in this intervention?
Once you have identified solutions and judgments in hindsight through reflective practice, you should start noticing similar thoughts as they arise. It’s not about stopping the thoughts from arising. That is almost impossible. It’s easier to notice the thoughts and then take time to choose which to use and which to let go of in the moment.
Maria Iliffe-Wood
Maria Iliffe-Wood is an executive coach, coach supervisor and author of Coaching Presence, building consciousness and awareness into coaching interventions. She is the director of Meridian Iliffe Ltd and works with business leaders across a broad range of organisations and sectors. She is passionate about spreading the use of coaching skills by leaders as a way of helping greater numbers of people lead more rewarding and fulfiling lives. She is also passionate about enhancing the skills of the coaching profession and works with both independent and internal coaches. She volunteers as a co-coaching forum regional lead for the Association for Coaching in the UK.
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I always bring my own agenda with me, it is part of my suitcase! In a coaching session I have learned to leave the “director” in another room, and to see my client as an abundant resource on their own, with their own ideas. At times with business coaching I do put on the consultant hat and am more suggestive/directive based on my business acumen; my coaching hat is more about listening and asking questions that create the space for my client to unlock their doors and open THEIR windows! I guide with a map; they provide the transportation.
I like what my coaching teachers taught me about what they called three levels of listening. One of the most natural tendencies is to do level one listening were everything we hear is filtered through how it influences us or our thoughts.
At the other end of the spectrum is listening with intuition and a full awareness of not only what the other person is saying but being open to what is unsaid and unseen coming through as well.
I feel the point you make here about presence is extremely important. Taking a moment to clear your head and move into a relaxed distraction-free state is essential.
Hi Jill and Abe, I really enjoyed your responses to my article. Abe, I agree about clearing your head before coaching. If I’ve got stuff swimming around in my head I can’t listen with intuition or full awareness.
Jill I really like your map analogy. Sometimes I’ll take a look at the map and steer the direction, other times I leave the reading of the map to the client as well. Sometimes I’ll point out some different options on the map and then other times I’ll invite them to look at a new map, eg swap from an A-Z to an Ordnance survey map (which is a map used by walkers and contains far more detail compared to a road map). This is a metaphor that I used to describe four modes of Coaching Presence in my book.
I really appreciate this blog post — it addresses one of the most challenging priorities for any coach, including those who are new and those who are very experienced. Thank you! Another strategy that I’ve found to be useful when trying to be non-directive is to always be aware of what I’m seeing with my eyes and hearing with my ears — rather than going primarily with my gut and instincts. Eyes and ears can give me more “objective” information about what’s currently happening in the coaching, and that helps me to be a bit more neutral in coaching the client. That’s in contrast to my going primarily with my gut and instincts, which can sometimes be very influential with me and cause me to inadvertently influence the client. I’m not saying that there isn’t a role for gut instinct — not at all. We have taught 100s of facilitators how to facilitate group coaching around the world and with many different cultures, and the matter of being directive versus non-directive always comes up. The “eyes and ears” test is often a good way to validate what the coach is feeling 🙂 Thanks!
Hi Carter, I really like the ‘eyes and ears’ test. I will try that in my coaching. Your post has reminded me that sometimes gut instincts are just the replaying of remembered situations. We have been in a similar situation and our brain is reminding us of what we did then, which really has the potential to influence our coaching and therefore be inadvertently directive again. Thank you.
Definitely the purest essence of coaching is its non-directivity. The way to dominate it is under a phenomenological observation and listening, and “mirroring” the client. I´ts an art and a science in development. The non-directive coaching is not only possible but indispensable.