From the Toolbox: The Challenge of Coaching: Presence!

Core Competency #4: Coaching Presence

Ability to be fully conscious and create spontaneous relationship with the client, employing a style that is open, flexible and confident.

What does being present have to do with describing coaching? I mean, if you are with someone, we assume that you are present. When we were in school and the teacher took the roll, we answered “present.” That meant we were there, in our seat. But, did it mean we were engaged or involved? The ICF Core Competencies describe Coaching Presence as being able to dance in the moment, be intuitive, tap into our knowing and more. Let’s look at these a little bit more.

I’ll be using a little humor here. I’ll not be making fun of anyone, but rather creating a sense of lightness and lifting our energy.

When I looked at the VisualThesaurus.com website to see what other words were used in describing Presence, the words “being” or “beingness” showed up. The definition of being is existing (as opposed to not existing.) So, being present, simplified, might mean just being there.

When you are with a coaching client, whether in person or via telephone, the most important thing they want to feel is your presence. You’re not distracted, you’re not playing solitaire online while you talk, etc. Now I know that we—yes, we coaches—would never do that. That’s why people want to work with us. But others in their lives might do those things.

We listen, we ask questions, we invite our clients to take risks and try new things. Nowhere in the previous sentence does it say that we tell them what to do or even assume that we always know what they should do. But if we are not present with them, we have no clue where to go next in our conversation.

How many of you “always” know what to say or do in the moment? Is that even expected? Do you beat yourself up when you don’t know how to respond? I hope not. Coaches don’t have the answers. We help the client figure out the answers and, yes, we sometimes share what may have worked for others in a similar situation.

You see, there is never a script. You might have a notebook you give someone, with descriptions of coaching, expectations, assessments, etc. But, nowhere in that notebook would you have a recipe for how it will go with that person. The only thing that can happen is that “dance in the moment” thing. We support where they need to be supported. Is it always right? Who knows? We encourage them to move through the emotions and their barriers and take some risks. Perhaps others in their lives don’t do this either.

Let’s look at the emotions a bit. When people come to us it’s often because they’re unhappy, not feeling empowered, wanting things to be different somehow. They also sometimes come because they’ve been wounded in some way and are using that as a catalyst to change. With such an agenda, there will be emotions. How comfortable are you with the emotions of others? Can you remain calm? Can you be accepting? Can you be empathetic? Can you be with them?

I sometimes work with people who have experienced a major illness. It served as a wake-up call to take stock and choose to live the remainder of their lives in a different way—maybe working in a different field, or changing relationships, or moving elsewhere. There is lots of risk and fear about their change. We, their coach, need to “be with” them through the changes.

To my way of thinking, it is a privilege to actually be with someone as they shift and grow. They deserve us to be who we are and they deserve us to be present with them.