From the Toolbox: Owning Your Faux Pas
Core Competency #3: Establishing Trust and Intimacy with the Client
Ability to create a safe, supporting environment that produces ongoing mutual respect and trust.
Core Competency #4: Coaching Presence
Ability to be fully conscious and create spontaneous relationship with the client, employing a style that is open, flexible and confident.
As coaches, we may sometimes inadvertently say things to our clients before realizing—sometimes almost immediately—that it was not the best thing to have said. In these instances, we model being authentic and human when we own our faux pas.
The coach who is confident in herself and her coaching skills has more capacity to show humility—and to let her clients know she is just as human as they are.
We are not perfect: There is no such thing as perfection when dealing with human beings, just a perspective shift to see that everything that happens may be perfect in the moment—even if we don’t like what’s happening. (That includes our faux pas!)
Spotting a Faux Pas
A faux pas occurs anytime we say something that we subsequently realize is not being in full support of our client. For example, a coach might ask a question with an edge in her tone of voice that signifies she is holding her own agenda, rather than the client’s. Maybe the coach expected that her client would complete a set of stated actions by the next session and, when the expectation isn’t met, the coach’s tone communicates, “You aren’t able to keep your commitments,” and comes across as parental or judgmental.
Another example would be when a client is transitioning to a senior role in his organization and having difficulty with being micromanaged by his superior. The coach’s questions communicate that the client needs to do what his boss says, instead of supporting him in finding ways to have a difficult conversation with his superior.
A faux pas can also be more subtle. As a Mentor Coach who listens to a lot of recorded coaching sessions, one example I often hear is when the energy of the client goes down. This often occurs when a coach takes the client off track from the stated, desired outcome for the coaching session and asks questions that don’t add any value to the conversation or the client.
Responding with Grace
If you recognize during the coaching session that you have said something that felt “wrong” to you, simply own it. Apologize to your client. If you notice the client’s energy going down and recognize you have taken her away from her desired outcome, state that clearly (e.g., “I notice your energy has gone down and I may have contributed to that. I notice I’m asking you about x when you wanted to talk about y. I apologize for doing that. I’d like to regroup and ask you where you’d like to go from here.”).
If you only recognize something was “off” after the session has ended, reflect on that. Then, reach out to your client by phone or email and let her know your thoughts (e.g., “I was reflecting on our coaching session yesterday and realize I may have inadvertently communicated in a way that wasn’t empowering to you. I just wanted to check in with you and see if there was anything that I could have done differently.”). Even if the client doesn’t recognize it, it’s good that you’ve picked up on your faux pas and corrected it. In so doing, you’ll also demonstrate that you’re a human being who is aware that your way of thinking and behavior affects your client.
By owning your faux pas, you’ll be demonstrating how to communicate difficult and challenging thoughts and feelings. In my experience as a Leadership Behavior Coach, this is often one of the things our clients want and need to gain more experience doing for themselves. By modeling how to have a challenging conversation and own your behavior, you are being a masterful coach and being of service to your client beyond measure.
Building Trust
If you are sensitive and conscious to your coaching presence, you will recognize when you have said something that may lessen trust. This level of vulnerability builds trust and intimacy. Trust is built when we have an open and honest relationship with our clients and show we are as human as they are. So turn your faux pas into opportunities for all-around learning.
Carly Anderson, MCC
Carly Anderson, MCC is a trainer of coaches, Mentor Coach, and active member of community of ICF Assessors. She lives in California, is originally from Australia and has an international client base. Carly has a vision of supporting 1,000 new MCCs to be credentialed by 2018 and has created a model of the ICF Core Competencies called "The Target Approach: Demystifying the ICF Core Competecies" She is the co-director of Stellar Leadership Performance and co-leader of The Mentor Coaching Group.
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