Embracing the Uncomfortable in Coaching

Coaching creates a safe place for people to reflect on their goals, inner processes, and deepest fears.

One of the biggest mistakes I made in my early years as a coach was to assume that safety equals comfort. And I know I am not the only coach who, in an effort to create a safe space, ends up creating an environment that feels comfortable but may not always foster client growth. As coaches, we sometimes lean into becoming an emotional support for the client.

I believe this happens because we misunderstand the meaning of the word “safe” in the context of coaching.

Safety in coaching does not mean being comfortable. It means creating safety so that the client can explore the uncomfortable.

After all, if clients really needed comfort, they would talk to a friend or a family member. People come to coaching because they need someone to be able to challenge their thinking and help them see new perspectives that are not visible to them.

As coaches, our job is to shine a light on the dark areas so clients can see more clearly. This often means leaning into the uncomfortable and saying to them what others wouldn’t.

The role of illumination becomes even more important when clients are senior leaders or executives accustomed to being surrounded by people who see them as superior or are too afraid to contradict them.

Clients in such positions often require support to explore their thoughts and behaviors more deeply than others.

This support could involve:

1. Calling out behaviors and patterns.
2. Bringing to light issues that are being avoided or overlooked.
3. Challenging beliefs, assumptions, and intentions.

Exploring the uncomfortable with clients is not only good coaching, but a requirement for coaches because growth happens in the realm of the uncomfortable. Our job is to objectively share observations with compassion and respect. This needs to be done without judgment and attachment, allowing the client to reflect and use our observations and questions in a way that feels right to them. This opens up possibilities and options for the client.

Why Don’t More Coaches Explore the Uncomfortable With Clients?

There are several reasons:

1. Most coaches genuinely care about their clients and may fear upsetting or hurting them.
2. If the client has a dominant personality, coaches may worry that challenging them could lead to a negative response and potential loss of business.
3. Coaches who are uncomfortable with emotions or exploring difficult conversations may feel the “uncomfortable” is too difficult to manage.
4. If the coaching relationship lacks sufficient safety, the coach might fear that the client could feel scared or unwilling to be open or vulnerable in exploring the uncomfortable.

These and many other situations prevent coaches from delving into uncomfortable conversations. Yet each one is reason enough for a coach to work on themselves, the coaching relationship, and the client’s growth.

How Can Coaches Become More Comfortable in Exploring the Uncomfortable?

1. First, understand where your discomfort or hesitation is coming from. It could be the client’s personality, the issue being discussed, your own discomfort with difficult emotions, or something else.
2. Work on yourself to become comfortable in uncomfortable situations, and to stay centered regardless of where the coaching conversation is going, the emotions the client is expressing, and your own reaction to the situation. Journaling, working with a mentor coach, or even therapy can help.
3. Set your intention to serve the client, even if it means helping them explore difficult topics. Your intention in a session informs everything, including what is visible to you, your choice of words, and the way the client responds. When the client feels that the coach is truly committed to their growth, it allows them to be open and vulnerable.
4. Develop your ability to challenge clients. The habit of always being nice may prevent you from challenging them. This could be a growth area for you.

A word of caution: Sometimes, clients may hesitate to explore certain topics if they are associated with trauma. As a coach, it is important to recognize this possibility and refer the client in the right direction if you suspect therapy or other professional support could be beneficial. Also, remember that it is always the client’s choice to choose the direction of their session. While it’s our role to challenge the client, if they express a desire not to go in that direction, it is important to honor their decision, as the client knows what is best for them.