12 Ways to Coach Through Your Client's 'I Don't Know' Responses
Often when our clients say, “I don’t know,” they really do know, but it’s uncomfortable to face the answer. When we trust our instincts as a coach and help them speak that uncomfortable truth—whatever it may be—we may just be rewarded with an “Aha!” moment.
A client’s “I don’t know” can represent many things. Examples include that your client knows what they really need to do, but they’re not ready to do it. It could be that they don’t trust us enough yet and are afraid what we will think. They may be afraid to speak their truth because their inner critic thinks the answer is ridiculous or immature (“Don’t be such a baby!”). Or, perhaps they think that if they say the answer out loud, they’ll have to commit to doing something scary.
When people don’t acknowledge what they’re REALLY thinking, they’re essentially rejecting a part of themselves. It means they’re more focused on who they think they SHOULD be rather than who they actually are. It’s likely that their “I don’t know,” their unwillingness to face the truth of what they think and feel is what’s blocking them from moving forwards.
The answer isn’t to help them act, but to help our clients face their thoughts and feelings honestly. Whether it’s “I know I need to quit my job, and I’m afraid” or “It’s petty, but I just don’t want to apologize” or “I think I’m a coward; I’m terrified they’ll laugh at me” or “I know I need to stand up to them, but I hate conflict and I’m afraid they’ll end our friendship.”
Now we have the truth—and something real to work with.
This can be deep work. It’s important to remember that if it was easy for our client to say aloud and acknowledge their truth, they would already have done so.
When the client takes the bold and brave step to speak their uncomfortable truth, it’s like taking the plunge—scary but exhilarating. Often a relief, too. Then, from their uncomfortable truth, you can look more deeply at their feelings, desires, fears, judgements, assumptions and limiting beliefs. You can help them move forwards.
From here, you can help them break something hard down into smaller steps, discover new/better options or role play. You should also prepare backup plans should the worst happen. MOST importantly, you’re helping your clients honor their whole person—the so-called “good” bits as well as the “bad.”
Facing our truth, however painful, is what sets us free. This is often what gives us Aha! Moments.
Here are 12 Ways to Turn “I Don’t Know” into an Aha Moment!
- Simply use silence. Don’t respond at all and wait calmly for their next answer.
- “What is it like for you to not know?”
- “How do you benefit from not knowing?”
- “How do you feel right now, as you think about answering this question?”
- Use only with sensitivity and in good rapport: “Hmmmm. I wonder what are you pretending not to know?”
- “If you allowed yourself to speak aloud whatever you might be avoiding thinking and feeling, however childish, silly or petty it might seem, what would it be?”
- Gently: “What’s underneath the ‘I don’t know’?”
- Slowly: “Take a deep breath, and just allow yourself to feel into the question for a moment. Relax into this ‘don’t know’ place.”
- “So, if (what they don’t know about) had a color/smell/taste/sound, what would it be?”
- “I feel that too sometimes. Take your time, and let me know when you’ve thought of something.”
- “If you secretly knew the answer, and no one (not me, you or anyone else) could judge you or make assumptions, what would it be?”
- “Imagine you’re in a helicopter flying over the map of your life. What do you notice about your life from way up there? Looking down with this new perspective, how would you answer the question now?”
Important: When we encourage our clients to reveal themselves, they must trust and feel safe enough to be vulnerable with us. What seems small or unimportant to us could be significant for them. Take your time. Be kind, compassionate and understanding. Remember to reflect on what they’ve said and confirm understanding, without judgement. Be a coach. Be YOU.
Now you need never feel caught by, “I don’t know” again. Have patience. Use one of these responses, and you never know, it may even be YOU who has the Aha moment!
Emma-Louise Elsey (Canada)
Emma-Louise Elsey has been coaching for more than 10 years and is founder of The Coaching Tools Company and Life Coach on the Go. Originally a project and relationship manager for Fortune 500 companies, she discovered coaching in 2003 and hasn't looked back.
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Hi, Emma-Louise. Thanks for starting off my Fourth of July with the terrific fireworks of this creative powerful question tome. As a positive psychology coach trainer for MentorCoach, I am going to recommend that my students read your article. So often they feel pressured rather than to be curious and patient to wait for their client to own how they are showing up. I love your first recommendation to just allow silence. Breathe in ease, you bet. Again thanks for your wonderful expertise and much appreciated sharing.
Dear Judy, LOVELY! Thank-you so much, and I am honoured that you would recommend this article to your students 🙂 Warmly, Emma-Louise
Great post, Emma-Louise. These are great alternatives to an option I was offered in my early coaching days: “And what would the answer be if you did know?” (That always sounded a little snarky to me.) Your suggestions honor the discomfort and the possibilities for a real breakthrough. Bravo! Thanks to Judy Krings for sharing it with me.
Dear Gayle, that is wonderful! I agree that “And what would the answer be if you did know?” can be a little challenging for the client (as in we are “challenging” them AND it’s challenging!). I think this response CAN be used with the right client at the right time, but it shouldn’t be our “go to”! Especially not when there are so many other possibilities! Enjoy. Warmly, Emma-Louise
I am always so fascinated by your questions, Emma Louise, thank you! Yes, a must for my mentees and for the mentor coach herself as well. Thank you! Hi Gayle, great to read you here.
Hi Clara – and thank-you! I LOVE language – and coaching questions. And awkward silences. OK so, I don’t really love awkward silences, but I love the POWER of silence – both for myself and clients 🙂 Thank-you for taking the time to comment! Warmly, Emma-Louise
Excellent article Emma-Louise. I love your masterful possible replies and the clarity with which you surface some underlying reasons for the statement: I don’t know. I recall the late Joan King, PhD, MCC and Coach Trainer saying: What is it that you know that you don’t know that you know? and I always was stopped in my tracks to think deeply before I replied. I am motivated to ask my students and graduates in our next Global Skills Practice to ponder this and surface their wisdom. I shall ask them to read your blog beforehand.
Dear Teri-E, Thank-you! And I LOVE your question from Joan King, “What is it that you know that you don’t know that you know?” – what a great question to STOP the conscious mind and get underneath! Warmly, Emma-Louise
Loved these questions to add to my toolbelt! Thanks so much, Emma- Louise!
Dear Tammy, Thank-you! I’m so glad you like it 🙂 Warmly, Emma-Louise
You write very well Emma , i love reading your posts . About the 5th question, the word pretending can be used cautiously as it can be seen as a judgement .
I have used this question sometimes = If you had to blurt out an answer what would it be ?
It has encouraged risk and nurtured trust
Thank you Emma
Thank-you Shyla! And thank-you so much for taking the time to comment and share your thoughts 🙂
And I LOVE your question – if you had to blurt out the answer! It bypasses the rational mind, and effectively asks them to speak without (over)thinking.
Warmly, Emma-Louise
Me ha gustado muchísimo !! Estoy intrresada en contactar contigo.En Septiembre viajó a Vancouver….
Hi Marta, thank-you. Do email me separately, perhaps we can Skype? Warmly, Emma-Louise
Emma, gre at list and thanks for sharing. Love #9…it’s unexpected, surprising. I teach in a coacHong certification program and am looking forward to sharing with my students.
Thanks Berri! I am glad to have surprised you 🙂 Using our senses is a great way to get beyond the conscious mind blocks! Warmly, Emma-Louise
Hi Emma-Louise,
Thank you for this very inspiring article. I am presently following a coaching training program and I will also share with my fellow students.
I also have a question: when you write:You should also prepare backup plans should the worst happen, can you give me examples of “the worst” and what would be the back up plans?
Thank you.
Hi Valerie, first thank-you for taking the time to comment 🙂
So, by back-up plan I mean asking “What’s the worst that could happen?”, and then role-playing/preparing for that too. If your client needs to ask for a pay-rise – what would be the worst thing that could happen? For one client it could be, being laughed at. For another it could be a straight / rude “No”. So you would role play that situation and help your client be mentally prepared – and perhaps have something to say in response.
I hope that answers your question Valerie 🙂 Warmly, Emma-Louise
Want to thank you for your excellent article! I am personally facing a situation where ,”I don’t know” how to respond or what to do. Your questions have been helpful to me personally.
Blessings,
Sharen
Dear Sharen, I’m so glad you found this article personally helpful 🙂 Warmly, Emma-Louise
Emma, wonderful insight I asked some of those questions to myself and the answers were most revealing. A must read for anyone. ! Thank you so much for sharing.
Dear Sanyog, thank-you for taking the time to comment! I’m so glad you found the article helpful 🙂 Warmly, Emma-Louise
Thank you so much for sharing this! Really great questions for a common and important coaching challenge.
Dear Robert, you are most welcome! Thank-you for taking the time to comment. Warmly with best wishes, Emma-Louise
Good suggestions Emma-Louise. Thanks for sharing your ideas!
Dear Mark, Lovely! And you are most welcome 🙂 Warmly, Emma-Louise
Great article. And encouraging coaches to critically reflect on their work around the function of their questions is truly important to their effectiveness with clients.
Each of these powerful questions would be used in response to slightly different hunches a coach might have (from the verbal and non-verbal “tells”) about the kind of “I don’t know” that is going on, for this person in this moment.
Thanks Emma-Louise.
Warmest
Lorenza
Dear Lorenza,
Thank-you! And yes, we must as coaches, trust our hunches or intuition – especially when dealing with challenging coaching moments! Warmly, Emma-Louise
Thank you Emma-Louise,
Your blog is a favorite and the articles are very timely and right on being useful right now. I really appreciate the “I Don’t Know” questions to ask. While the silence is challenging, it is one of my most effective tools and it is very, very effective. My speciality is Recovery Coaching, get lot’s of “I don’t knows”. It is great to allow the client to answer in their own time and speed. Thanks for the different approaches that fit so many circumstances.
Great work.
Jo Early
Dear Jo,
That’s so great to hear – thank-you for your kind words 🙂 I actually believe silence might be a coach’s most powerful tool… But it is hard for us as coaches to use that tool effectively – it sounds like you do! Warmly, Emma-Louise
Hey Emma! I so appreciate your brilliant insights and graceful advice on how to get to the bottom of a client’s “I DON’T KNOW”….. MANTRA! As coaches, we know we will face that A LOT! I’m thrilled to put these great strategies in my coach’s tool belt! Plus I’m excited to share your brilliance with my students at World Coach Institute. Happy Coaching!
Hey Dee! Great to see you on here 🙂 Happy that you love this article and want to share it! I love writing articles like this, and it seems to have been helpful, so I will try to do more 🙂 Enjoy your students at World Coach Institute! Warmly, Emma-Louise
Wow! Thanks for sharing. I get stuck at times when I am not able to get an answer from a client, but certainly I will use some of these powerful questions in the future…
Rosa
I LOVED this article and shared on my FB and LinkedIn pages. These questions really got me thinking. I have a couple of go-tos for the “I don’t know” response but these were so thoughtful and really supported in getting underneath the “I don’t know.” So grateful for this article and articles like these so that I can keep growing as a Coach. Appreciate it!
I like to say, “it’s okay to not know right now. Take the time you need. Might you ask again?”
This is very insightful and offers an effective way to generate thoughtful and focused engagement in a meeting, thank you!
Great Questions!
Great pointers and questions